Sunday, March 05, 2006


I've been feeling kind of stuck lately. I love being a wife and mom, I really do. And I don't want to get an outside job, because it would tear me apart not to be able to take care of Autumn all the time. She's so much fun and I love watching her as she learns new things and grows (all too fast). Not to mention the fact that taking care of her and the house somehow manages to be a full-time job. It seems I would have a ton of time on my hands, but I stay consistenly busy.

While I was sick, nothing really mattered. I couldn't do anything or think about much else. But now that I'm better, I find myself running into two problems connected to not having a job.

One of them is, of course, money. I feel bad not bringing in any. I would love to be able to find some way to make money from home. I've been tossing around some ideas, but nothing seems to be quite the right fit. There is one idea that seems that I would be capable of and enjoy, but I just don't know if it would work, and I'm still not sure how to go about getting started. And then there's the fact that I have very serious doubts that there would be any demand for the service/product.

The other, probably more important problem is that I feel like I'm losing the ability to think. My brain is atrophying. School and work forced me to read, to study, to research, to learn. Sometimes about things I was interested in, sometimes not, but always stretching my brain and leading to greater understanding of something. I guess the real problem is that I'm just intellectually lazy. I have a very hard time making myself learn something for learning's sake. I love to think that I can and will, but I don't. I need tests, deadlines, accountability to push myself. Left by myself with no positive or negative incentive, I just don't make the time to study and learn new things. Sure, I may read magazine articles or a few chapters of a book, but I just can't seem to push myself beyond that to get a greater understanding of an issue or idea.

I don't really know how to solve these problems, which is why I'm feeling stuck. Is there a way to make money and to give your brain exercise without getting an outside job or getting back in school?

1 comment:

cherry said...

I feel the same many time these days as you do, its been a year now actually ha ha ha. But my situation is differ from you, I stay at home not because I have a baby to take care of but because of my PR status :) Btw, cute baby pictures the ones with hat on :)